Love.

Kaitlyn: Love. Four little letters, one simple word, but so many implications. What is love? We here at CramerHagen have never touched on the subject, as most (well, all) of our posts have been hate-driven. But without love, you wouldn't have hate, thus we must evaluate it. Personally, I have come to understand love as one thing: Beyonce. Love is the only word to describe the feeling I have towards her, that of complete passion and lust coupled with concern for her well-being and happiness. I want to engage in sexual relations with her, but I also want to delve into her mind and get to know her beliefs and values. That is what I have come to understand love as. Beyonce.

William: I just came off reading Plato's Republic so maybe these questions are just products of the mood, but I'd like to explore this love you profess, and boil it down to it's essence.
Quintebeyoncessence if you will. What is it that makes Beyonce the subject of your love? Is it her uniqueness? The beauty of her form and singing? Is your love unconditional, or is there something that could shake that love? Let's say for example that Beyonce came upon a small dog one day that ate everything in sight and then barfed it up in a certain girls room. It was love at first sight and inspired Beyonce's single greatest single of all time. Let's name this dog Nanji, and the girl Kaitlyn for conveniences sake. Would your love surpass your hatred for Nanji? Which is the more powerful, love or hatred Kaitlyn?

Kaitlyn: I can't believe I'm admitting this, William, but the love I have for Beyonce surpasses the hate I have for Nanji. This next part takes a lot for me to say: if Nanji was Beyonce's muse, I would stop trying to kill her. Though a world without that wretched animal would be an exponentially better place, a world with a saddened Beyonce is something I could not endure. It would be like seeing an angel die or something. My heart wouldn't be able to take the pain. Therefore, I will admit that this love surpasses that hate. Call me a sucker, but there is no limit to my love for B.

William: Folks, if that is not a confession, I don't know what is. I'm now ready to present my case to the court. What case might you ask Kaitlyn? I conclude undoubtedly the following: "Grace Steffenhagen does not actually exist". Now, ladies and gentleman bear with me, it may seem ridiculous, but the facts are there; Kaitlyn's love for Beyonce is so obsessive, she would be willing to stop her quest to destroy the Antichrist if it were Beyonce's muse. Obviously a dangerously insane individual, willing to hold multiple personalities for the sole purpose of worshipping Beyonce. Furthermore, lets take a look at what we can learn about Grace through Facebook stalking (as I've never actually met her): comments about Nanji being the devil, Beyonce having a line of temporary tattoos, Beyonce's alleged pregnancy, sarcastic condemnations of various people, ironic comments, pictures as a baby and as Lady Gaga... The list goes on. Furthermore she seems to communicate in the language only Kaitlyn and a select few others understand: chatspeak (funny we had a blog post about that in the past...). I don't know how Kaitlyn has deceived her family thus far, or manages to live her dual life as both Grace and Kaitlyn, but it makes me scared. I fully expect not to survive this next week. I only hope somebody out there reads this, and alerts the proper authorities.

Dear Bad Drivers

STAY OFF THE ROAD

-Sincerely,

William

Furthermore, there are a number of things that I hate about you. One, a merge sign is NOT a stop sign, Minnesota drivers are terrible, I come cruising in ready to merge smoothly into traffic and then the person in front of me jams on the brakes leaving me screaming at my windshield. Two, I hate people who honk at me half a second after a light has turned green like I haven't seen it. That makes me actually just want to sit in front of the light to spite them, not go any faster. Third, I hate people who don't know that if a speed limit ends in five it is not rounded down to the nearest ten. I hate being stuck behind someone going 30 mph on a 35 mph road, I can't pass and I can't scream at them. But its ok, I'll just hold all my anger inside me until I feel like I'll explode from the pressure of my rage. Thats healthy right?

Kaitlyn: I could go on forever about this. First off, let me just say, I am the best driver in the world. I can thread the needle like it's nobody's business. I have gotten from my parking space at MOA to my front doorstep (a little over 15 miles) in 15 minutes on a Friday. I am amazing. Anyway, it bothers me to no end that I have to share the road with people who don't even deserve to be a passenger in a car, much less drive one. For example, I was traveling down 169 one day with my sister, on my way to Jimmy John's. As I take the exit towards Target, a BMW is going about twenty miles an hour. On the highway. Now if you know what exit I'm talking about, you know that it takes awhile to get to the stop sign at the end. This guy was going twenty on it. Not only is that annoying, it's flat out dangerous. You cannot go that slow on an exit when there are people coming off the highway at like 70 mph. So anyway, I was behind this guy, tailing him to no end, he flashes his brake lights, I pay no mind. As soon as we turn left to go back over the highway, he stops. In the middle of the bridge. Flat out stops moving. I was going insane. My sister thought I was going to kill someone. So there we were, sitting on a mother effing bridge, not frickin moving. I wanted to kill him.

William: I though there should be a short note to bad passengers as well. I hate people who make fun of my music while in MY car. I'm giving you a frickin ride home, if you want to walk by all means go on degrading my music d-bag. I also hate people who crank up the volume on the radio the minute they step into the car, I like my eardrums intact thank you. Respect the driver, please.

A list of hate

William: I feel I have to say, I don't hate people, I just find certain things they do obnoxious now and then. The following are a few examples:

1. People who talk to movies and expect a response, like the characters are going to carefully consider what you said and then act accordingly. No, the cute bunny about to get eaten by the coyote cannot hear you, but the rest of the people around you certainly can. Please, not everyone has to hear you comment on every single thing that happens in a movie. Completely unnecessary.

2. People who like to employ awkward use of physical contact. I don't like physical contact with people I hardly know.

3. People who obnoxiously overuse nicknames. Its my name and I like it; please use it.

4. You end every single sentence with a question mark and an upward inflection. I was at the mall? With some friends? And I saw this guy? At the counter?...ect...ect.

Kaitlyn: Upon closer examination of my inner self, I have found, also, that I hate some people but most people I just hate the things they do. But there are still those I hate with a passion. Here are some things I hate:
1. I hate when I people are talking to me on the phone and not devoting their attention to me. It may sound selfish, but it is one of my biggest pet peeves when someone calls me and then proceeds to not talk to me.
2. I hate people who think they are my friend but they're not. Not just friends, but like OMG BFF'S! It's annoying.
3. I hate people who sit in front of you on airplanes and put their seat down. Can I rant about this for a little? Ok. So I was on an airplane with a full ten hour flight ahead of me. A couple sits down with their one year old in front of me. The baby is sitting in front of me. The parents proceed to PUT THE BABY'S SEAT COMPLETELY DOWN. I honestly wanted to kill someone. Really? A baby needs leg room? It's an effing BABY. It made me seriously want to strangle the nearest passenger. After an hour, I couldn't take it. I couldn't feel my legs. So I politely said to the mother "Um, if there's no one sitting in that seat, would you mind putting the seat up?" She looked at her husband and was like "Uhhh... sure..." I don't care if it was rude. I don't care if it was inconsiderate. It's a baby. Sorry, I just had to get that off my chest.

Movies: Its more then gore

William: I have not been having a good day. Potholes have stolen my car's hubcaps, spare tire, and two hours of my time on my way to a movie theater. On the ride as my temper flared and every second brought me closer to the ground, the only thing passing through my mind was "This movie better be pretty motherfreakin' good or the population of the planet is gonna take a little downturn!" Watchmen, however, failed to impress. I realize the stereotypical teenage guy is looking for an action movie with lots of gore and spraying blood. That is not what I look for in movies, I usually look for small nuances such as say, character development, not-crappy actors, and a plot line that I can actually follow. I appreciate the heavy metal destruction of 300, but at least it didn't last three frickin hours. To be fair, when a friend of yours who's favorite movie is Cloverfield, a movie about a giant robot that destroys a town filmed "Blair Witch Project" style, says and I quote "I f---in loved Watchmen", alarm bells should have gone off. But I figured, "Hollywood spent over a million dollars on this, its been a work in progress for five years, how bad can it be?" Answer: Bad.

Kaitlyn: Yeah ok WTF. That was one of the worst movies I've seen in a long time. Don't get me wrong, it was beautiful. But the initial awe I had lasted, at most, an hour. Then I realized, hey, I don't know what the f's going on here, I can't understand what half the people are saying (Rorrchevsjurrrnell?), and that was one of the worst sex scenes I've ever had to sit through with my father. It was truly an experience I completely regret. This is what I gathered from the plot: this guy gets killed, but no one knows why, and Russia and the US are very mad at each other because of bombs, then some superheros get involved, but they all hate each other, but they work together to figure out who killed that one guy, but that one guy's really bad apparently, and then two of the superheros fall in lust, and then the glowing guy is trying to figure something out, but he goes to Mars for awhile so we don't see him, then the guy with the blond hair is really smart, but the whole story is being told by some guy who goes to prison and kills a midget, but then he busts out, and then on Mars there's a big contraption that has no apparent purpose, but then that one guy is in Antartica because he decides that it's a good location for pyramids, but then a bunch of people die, but then it's ok because then more people aren't gonna die, and then Russia and America are friends. And then there's random scenes of violence. It makes zero sense to me. And that literally is only half of this pathetic excuse for a plot. It's like the writers think that the more confusing and less understandable they make it, the more people will believe it's a good movie. Not so.

On sucking each others faces off in the hallway

William: PDA is absolutely not necessary in the hallways, and frankly, it makes me sick. When I walk to school in the morning at 7:30, the first thing I  want to see is not two people making out on my locker. I am not in a good mood at this time, but luckily I do my best work when I'm in a foul mood. My favorite responses are:

1. Scream "Get a room somewhere far away from my locker!"

2. Put my arms around myself right  next to them and make lewd kissing sounds as loud as I can until they notice.

3. Stare awkwardly for a few seconds and then say "Mind if I join?"

4. Open my locker as quickly as possible and swing it around so its hits the rapt couple.

5. I have yet to actually do this, but my next plan is to scream "RAPE!!!" at the top of my lungs in the crowded hallway and then run.

Drastic? Yes. Absolutely necessary? Same answer.

Kaitlyn: It's disgusting. People need to stop making out in front of my face. I don't know what to do. Your suggestions are good ones, but I feel like PDA couples are kind of in their own world. You can't really penetrate the bubble of their lewdness. I mean, you can try, sure, but good luck. I have literally run into couples sucking each other and nothing more than me getting someone else's saliva on me has happened. I also think there is a correlation between the level of PDA and the amount that these couples write on each other's Facebook walls. The more you share on each other's profile, the more you like to spend passing period playing tonsil hockey. You get five minutes to walk from one class to the next. Is it really necessary to spend almost all of that time connected to someone? I don't think so. Is it too hard to wait and freaking GO HOME before you start having sex? It shouldn't be. Something needs to change.

Cafeteria

Kaitlyn: This is one of my largest pet peeves. Third lunch. Let's go through all the reasons it sucks.
1) EVERYONE is in it. I find it hard to believe, personally, that every fifth hour teacher is told to send their students to lunch at the same time. How's first lunch? Empty. Second? Dead. Third? Mayhem. Utter mayhem.
2) The EVIL LUNCH LADIES. They ALWAYS RUN OUT OF THINGS. You want ketchup? Better get there early, buddy. Don't even think about getting Big Daddy's pizza. It's laughable. That stuff is more valuable than gold. To top it all off, they're all crazy.
3) The PRICES. It seems as if the school snack bar is trying to make money off of us. Case in point: Pop-Tarts. Guess what they're running at these days: $1.25. A DOLLAR AND TWENTY FIVE CENTS. For a package of Pop-Tarts. You can literally go to Target and buy a pack of four Pop-Tarts for TWO DOLLARS. Two dollars. This kind of blatant extortion is unacceptable. And if you want to double up, it costs you on average $2. That much for an extra piece of pizza or six mini corn dogs. It makes me want to scream.
4) You have ZERO TIME. Let's go through a timetable:
12:24- class is dismissed for lunch.
12:28- you arrive at the cafeteria. You fight your way through the crowd and hope that you got in the right lunch line.
12:35- you finally get your food, grab utensils, and find (hopefully) a spot to sit.
12:40- although class starts in 15 minutes, the lunch room security decides that now is the time to make you leave the lunch room. They send hints, like stealing your garbage or grabbing the food out of your mouth and putting it in the garbage. There is nothing I hate more. I want to enjoy my food. When I am being shooed out of the lunch room fifteen minutes before class starts I actually want to kill someone. I could kill someone, given the means and opportunity.

William: I couldn't agree more, in my three years of high school I have never had anything other then 3rd lunch and it sucks. By the time lunch comes around I'm starving, but ooh, tough luck if you had to come from orchestra for the first two years because by the time you pack up and get there, there is no food. Honestly, I don't understand how its possible to run out of spaghetti sauce every single time. I want meat sauce dammit, and if you've run out every time this semester perhaps you could COOK MORE NEXT TIME. I don't believe its too much to ask. Also, is it really necessary for the lunch ladies to yell "Double up!" at the top of their lungs so everybody within a mile radius can hear and stare at you? I suppose if its trying to reduce child obesity I could support the idea of humiliation to the point of never wanting to double up again, but I'm pretty sure that's not what they had in mind. Also, in my High School experience I have yet to touch a piece of Big Daddy's pizza. I feel you and all other similarly denied students pain.

The death of fun

William: I hate it when the people in the computer lab close my window. Today I sat between two people, one watching a Halo youtube video and yelling obnoxiously, and the other surfing facebook. So I decides to pass time by playing a game of harmless bubble spinner, a pass time that does not involve screaming obscenities at a video game video, or surfing through 200 pictures of someone's Valentine's day party that does not seem age appropriate, simple Bubble Spinner media center specialists. As I'm clearing away, my window suddenly closes. Its 7:30 in the morning, there are tons of open computers around me and it sure doesn't seem like everyone else is on task. I apologize to whoever quit my game for attempting to focus my thoughts before school in a harmless game of bubble spinner. In a dangerous world, full of fear and uncertainty, I'd like to think a kid can still take refuge in harmless fun. But no. Apparently they cannot.

Kaitlyn: Agreed. Who the heck do they think they are? Honestly. I don't need a babysitter on the computer. Know what else I hate? When they send you an instant message about your overdue books. This bothers me for a number of reasons. 1) You can't talk back and tell them how annoying they are, 2) I'm trying to Facebook stalk, here, and 3) is there really an overwhelming amount of people requesting "The Conquest of the Balkans"? I don't think so. Bottom line, media center specialists overstep their authority BIG TIME. And now you're not allowed in there during a study hall? What's the point of the media center then? I don't get it.