On sucking each others faces off in the hallway

William: PDA is absolutely not necessary in the hallways, and frankly, it makes me sick. When I walk to school in the morning at 7:30, the first thing I  want to see is not two people making out on my locker. I am not in a good mood at this time, but luckily I do my best work when I'm in a foul mood. My favorite responses are:

1. Scream "Get a room somewhere far away from my locker!"

2. Put my arms around myself right  next to them and make lewd kissing sounds as loud as I can until they notice.

3. Stare awkwardly for a few seconds and then say "Mind if I join?"

4. Open my locker as quickly as possible and swing it around so its hits the rapt couple.

5. I have yet to actually do this, but my next plan is to scream "RAPE!!!" at the top of my lungs in the crowded hallway and then run.

Drastic? Yes. Absolutely necessary? Same answer.

Kaitlyn: It's disgusting. People need to stop making out in front of my face. I don't know what to do. Your suggestions are good ones, but I feel like PDA couples are kind of in their own world. You can't really penetrate the bubble of their lewdness. I mean, you can try, sure, but good luck. I have literally run into couples sucking each other and nothing more than me getting someone else's saliva on me has happened. I also think there is a correlation between the level of PDA and the amount that these couples write on each other's Facebook walls. The more you share on each other's profile, the more you like to spend passing period playing tonsil hockey. You get five minutes to walk from one class to the next. Is it really necessary to spend almost all of that time connected to someone? I don't think so. Is it too hard to wait and freaking GO HOME before you start having sex? It shouldn't be. Something needs to change.

Cafeteria

Kaitlyn: This is one of my largest pet peeves. Third lunch. Let's go through all the reasons it sucks.
1) EVERYONE is in it. I find it hard to believe, personally, that every fifth hour teacher is told to send their students to lunch at the same time. How's first lunch? Empty. Second? Dead. Third? Mayhem. Utter mayhem.
2) The EVIL LUNCH LADIES. They ALWAYS RUN OUT OF THINGS. You want ketchup? Better get there early, buddy. Don't even think about getting Big Daddy's pizza. It's laughable. That stuff is more valuable than gold. To top it all off, they're all crazy.
3) The PRICES. It seems as if the school snack bar is trying to make money off of us. Case in point: Pop-Tarts. Guess what they're running at these days: $1.25. A DOLLAR AND TWENTY FIVE CENTS. For a package of Pop-Tarts. You can literally go to Target and buy a pack of four Pop-Tarts for TWO DOLLARS. Two dollars. This kind of blatant extortion is unacceptable. And if you want to double up, it costs you on average $2. That much for an extra piece of pizza or six mini corn dogs. It makes me want to scream.
4) You have ZERO TIME. Let's go through a timetable:
12:24- class is dismissed for lunch.
12:28- you arrive at the cafeteria. You fight your way through the crowd and hope that you got in the right lunch line.
12:35- you finally get your food, grab utensils, and find (hopefully) a spot to sit.
12:40- although class starts in 15 minutes, the lunch room security decides that now is the time to make you leave the lunch room. They send hints, like stealing your garbage or grabbing the food out of your mouth and putting it in the garbage. There is nothing I hate more. I want to enjoy my food. When I am being shooed out of the lunch room fifteen minutes before class starts I actually want to kill someone. I could kill someone, given the means and opportunity.

William: I couldn't agree more, in my three years of high school I have never had anything other then 3rd lunch and it sucks. By the time lunch comes around I'm starving, but ooh, tough luck if you had to come from orchestra for the first two years because by the time you pack up and get there, there is no food. Honestly, I don't understand how its possible to run out of spaghetti sauce every single time. I want meat sauce dammit, and if you've run out every time this semester perhaps you could COOK MORE NEXT TIME. I don't believe its too much to ask. Also, is it really necessary for the lunch ladies to yell "Double up!" at the top of their lungs so everybody within a mile radius can hear and stare at you? I suppose if its trying to reduce child obesity I could support the idea of humiliation to the point of never wanting to double up again, but I'm pretty sure that's not what they had in mind. Also, in my High School experience I have yet to touch a piece of Big Daddy's pizza. I feel you and all other similarly denied students pain.

The death of fun

William: I hate it when the people in the computer lab close my window. Today I sat between two people, one watching a Halo youtube video and yelling obnoxiously, and the other surfing facebook. So I decides to pass time by playing a game of harmless bubble spinner, a pass time that does not involve screaming obscenities at a video game video, or surfing through 200 pictures of someone's Valentine's day party that does not seem age appropriate, simple Bubble Spinner media center specialists. As I'm clearing away, my window suddenly closes. Its 7:30 in the morning, there are tons of open computers around me and it sure doesn't seem like everyone else is on task. I apologize to whoever quit my game for attempting to focus my thoughts before school in a harmless game of bubble spinner. In a dangerous world, full of fear and uncertainty, I'd like to think a kid can still take refuge in harmless fun. But no. Apparently they cannot.

Kaitlyn: Agreed. Who the heck do they think they are? Honestly. I don't need a babysitter on the computer. Know what else I hate? When they send you an instant message about your overdue books. This bothers me for a number of reasons. 1) You can't talk back and tell them how annoying they are, 2) I'm trying to Facebook stalk, here, and 3) is there really an overwhelming amount of people requesting "The Conquest of the Balkans"? I don't think so. Bottom line, media center specialists overstep their authority BIG TIME. And now you're not allowed in there during a study hall? What's the point of the media center then? I don't get it.

Coffee

William: I love coffee, absolutely no problem with it. But when you go to a coffee shop and the only thing on the menu is a ten word long phrase that never uses the word coffee, I must say I feel a little annoyed. Sometimes, I would just like a plain cup of coffee, maybe with sugar or cream, at most a mocha. But I do not want to order a "venti-mocha-latte-frappucino-with whipped topping-a dash of mint- a shot of pumpkin flavoring-super gut-buster size please". There is nothing more humiliating then having to order something that sounds like a complex chemistry problem.

Kaitlyn: William, that happens to be one of my favorite drinks. But you forgot the extra unicorn shavings i usually order. All kidding aside, I completely agree. And then when you say, "Yeah, I'd like a small hot chocolate please," they're always like "oh, you mean a inverse-venti piping dulce with cacao." NO. I meant a small hot chocolate. And then they press about seventy buttons on the register and all this random stuff is showing on the screen to you and you scream "NO!! I don't want dead babies on the side! Where'd that come from?" but the barista's going at a mile a minute and then, after all of that, she charges you five dollars for something you could make at home.

Banana Runts

Kaitlyn: I think everyone here agrees that banana runts are by far the best Runt in the bag. The shape of the banana, the feel of it, the taste... they're amazing. But you only get six, maybe seven per bag. That's the whole reason I buy Runts, for those delicious gems of gold. They should sell strictly the bananas. I would probably buy a lifetime's stock,  not gonna lie. 

William: I completely agree, I have to save all the bananas for last so I have a good taste after eating the candy. My next topic of angst and hate is made up fruits in cereal or candy. There is no such thing as "blue raspberry" period. There is no way I would want to eat a mutated fruit that makes a raspberry seem blue. You wouldn't eat a green peach, and likewise, I don't want to eat a blue raspberry. Seriously, it is not creative or appetizing to make up these new fruits, frankly, I find it insulting to my intelligence. Unless the maker was color blind there is no excuse for this travesty.

Kaitlyn: Exactly. Moreover, it doesn't event taste like a raspberry. It's some random made up flavor I think. But it's everywhere. There was some person, way far back, who thought it keen to make the entire world believe in a magical made up fruit. If I could find him, I'd tell him I think he's stupid, and then I'd kill him. But seriously, there needs to be an influx of banana Runts or I'll flip a b-word. 

The first strike for hate

William: I hate people who update their status every five minutes. There is no way anybody has a life so interesting it should concern me to look at it every five minutes. When people write Billy Bob is "eating dinner" you're obviously not eating dinner, because you're busy wasting your life updating your status. And I use the word life very sparingly, as you obviously don't have one. Their probably shouldn't be a tab called "friends" on your profile, because its pretty obvious you don't have any. Here's some advice. Pick up the phone. Dial a random number. When the person picks up, tell them everything that is happening to you or around you as fast as you can. Repeat process 24/7. Congratulations, now more people are actually paying attention to you then when you post useless crap on your profile.

Kaitlyn: You're right William. That is freaking annoying. Know what else I hate? People who Facebook Chat you when you don't freaking want to talk to them. The conversations usually go like this:

-Perpetrator: Hey

-Me: Hi.

And then it ends. WHAT?! You really chatted me so that you could just say hey?? Way to waste my freaking time. I have a busy life. I have things to do. I cannot afford to waste my CPU space on your arbitrary remarks. Save it for sometime when I can cause you actual physical harm for annoying me.

William: I despise chat speak, it makes you sound stupid: period. The English language evolved over 1,000 years, its not there for you to destroy in 10 years of obsessive texting. It takes me longer to figure out what "lol, ttyl, lmao, g2g, cya" means then if you wrote it out. Typing out a coherent sentence WILL NOT CAUSE YOU WRIST DAMAGE, please, for the love of language write rationally. I realize the occasional apostrophe or period at the end of sentences can be omitted, but really, get a life. Your IQ falls around to the level of "algae" when you can't write properly. Here's a message to the chat speak freaks: DQYDJ, its probably the only one you'll ever have.

Kaitlyn: William, I gotta say, I enjoy the occasional "lol." But that's just about it. Can we talk about people who display their personal relationships all over their walls? Yeah, it's really annoying. Seriously, the last thing I want to see when I'm Facebook stalking is two people discussing their favorite sex positions together. No. Not ok. Save it for when I can't see it. I barf a little bit in my mouth. It makes me sick. Their wall-to-wall is constantly peppered with "ilu" and "<3<3.">

Statement of Intent

Hello. We are Kaitlyn Steffenhagen and William Cramer. The world is a funny place, full of things we despise, and things that annoy us. We are going to share all of our annoyances with you and you will like it. That's it.